Marathon Man

Isn't that a great photo? I got that at www.californiabeachimages.com and I wanted to give full credit. I know where that photo was taken! It was taken "outdoors," a place I haven't been much lately. I am not the guy in the picture, nor am I likely to ever look like the guy in the picture, except in my dreams. However, I did get up early and enjoy a nice time of actual outdoor movement this morning. "Exercise" I think they call it. Note the similarity to the word "Excessive." Of course, this morning it was gray, wet, overcast, slightly humid, and since that is a sunset not a sunrise, it was not quite as beautiful as the picture. Other than that, it was just like it.

Excuse me if I smell a bit. I really did just get back from a 35 mile walk. OK - it was only 35 miles in dog miles, 5 in human miles, but I'm out of shape so I want to paint a picture of what it felt like to me. Wow - I thought my parents were exaggerating when they used to tell me it was uphill both ways as they slogged through four feet of snow (year 'round) to get to school every morning and then their job at the mine in the afternoon. But I think the walk I just took actually was uphill both ways. Marathon Man - "Marathon" being a hearty type of sod.

But I kept going the whole way. I marched past the mini-mart in the corner gas station, and that was a good warm-up for avoiding the stop at the donut shop a half mile later. I think I may have gained a slight sugar rush from the smell coming from the donut shop as we passed anyway. It was almost demonic the way the smell of fresh-baked donuts left the top of the building and wafted directly for the sidewalk out front. In fact, if the people running the shop don't do that on purpose somehow, I think they would be very smart to figure it out and start doing it. And a discount for Diabetics would be a nice touch as well. Sliding scale - test your blood and get a discount equal to ten percent of your glucose level.

But I have to say, I have missed walking. Sort of like I have missed having the stomach flu. Maybe not that bad - how about I have missed it like I missed a mild broken bone? Mild heart attack? No not really. I do hope to miss the mild heart attack. I'm sure once I get into a little better shape I will go back to enjoying it. Trouble is, I haven't done it a for long time, and I only walked a couple miles each day last week as a teaser. This walk today? This was full-on, all-out, no-stopping, ultra-manly limping with a large part of my butt dragging behind me. I was going to hire a guy to bring my dragging butt along on a hand-truck, but after the Four Ton Pasta incident the temp agency isn't returning my calls.

I was so sweaty that I glanced back and noticed I was leaving a trail. Actually, more of a stream. OK - a river. That wouldn't have been so embarrassing if there hadn't been salmon trying to swim up stream to spawn in my front yard. I always thought they were smaller than that.

I had a walking partner. Yeah right. This guy actually thinks exercise is fun. There are a lot of things I admire about people who are in good shape. For one thing, they tend to spend money in my store. That's a real good thing right there. But this guy spoke of his time in the Army Reverse as we walked. Now, I should admit that I usually don't talk while I'm walking. It's not that I prize the silence, and it's not even that I usually walk alone. I talk just as much to myself as I do to other people. I'm very egalitarian about that. In fact, that may explain why I usually walk alone. No, it's just that it's hard to get out a complete sentence while I'm gasping for air.

But I digress - let's get back to my former Iron Man walking partner. At least he had the decency to sweat a little. Very little. I'm going to check his shirt later today to be sure he didn't buy one of those shirts with the fake sweat pattern printed on. You've seen 'em, right? They show up at the gym all the time, or at least I'm told they do. I haven't been inside a gym since, well, never mind. But gas was less than a dollar a gallon, and people made coffee at home. I suppose he might have just gotten some of the splash from me - he did walk behind me that one time to tell the paramedics I was OK and send them on their way... they didn't look like they believed him.

Well, I'm sure I'll do better tomorrow. It seems like not that long ago when I was at the point of walking five miles (ish) five days a week, and not dying. Much. I can't tell you how glad I will be to get back to the point I was then. I could do some amazing things. Things you slender people take for granted. Things like walk up a flight of stairs and not need CPR. I know! Amazing, huh? I could tie my shoes without help, and without tools most of the time. The lady at In N Out didn't automatically make all my food "Animal Style" without asking. I had far fewer "Xs" on my shirts. I could wash more than two shirts at a time in our oversize washing machine.... OK you get the picture. I was no Adonis, yet I felt much much better and moved much easier.

So that's my goal: Almost Normalcy. Think I can do it? Why don't you ride along with me. If you don't mind, I'll keep posting updates now and then right here and on my Facebook page. And if you live nearby, watch for me passing in front of your house. And don't step on the Salmon.